Change Starts Here

I moved the blog to change-starts-here.com, but I’ll still try to re-post content here when I can. I haven’t been able to post much lately because I just started a magazine, but I haven’t forgotten about you! Thanks for the support, Tumblr loves!

I was showing a close friend a new dress I bought and I told her I was going to wear a vest with it to cover “my fat.” She gave me a look and opened her mouth to say some words of encouragement toward my figure, but I put her worries at ease by telling her I’d spent about five minutes that morning admiring my reflection in the mirror. I wrote before about how I like to look at myself in the mirror, so it’s no secret. 

It wasn’t always that way, though.

I had to do a lot of soul searching to look in a mirror and not automatically focus on the things that I don’t like. I really like my eyes (I get a lot of weird looks when I say that because they’re a common shade of dark brown), my legs, my hands and my smile. I also have a moles on different parts of my body, including a beauty mark on my face. After a while, the things I disliked became insignificant and I barely notice them anymore.

Marie Claire published an article a few months ago about six celebrated women in health blogging who were all struggling with serious body peace issues. They would sabotage their food and try risky techniques to maintain their slim figures. If you don’t make peace with your body before you make any changes, like living a healthier lifestyle or even getting braces, you won’t be happy with it in any state. You’ll also realize it’s OK if you like your body the way it is. There’s no mold for the perfect body type or how you should look.

When I hear a girl say she hates her body or that she wishes she looked like someone else, I always wonder why. Your body is a one-of-a-kind miracle. It came into this world against insurmountable biological odds, so you should love it no matter how different it is from the ones you seen on fashion runways and advertisements.

Here’s a challenge: stand in front of a full-length mirror and with a dry erase marker and draw arrows pointing to all the things you dislike about your body. Next, erase them; kill them; take the first step to getting rid of them for good. Who need those negative thoughts, anyway? Then, do the same thing, but only use things you love about your body. Keep those things on the mirror, so when you look at your reflection, you can start seeing the good. (If you’re worried about possibly not being able to get the marker off your mirror, use a piece of paper. Tear up the paper with negative thoughts and tape the paper with positive thoughts to your mirror.)

If you’re happy and healthy, don’t worry about what others think is the perfect body. It’s your body. You’re stuck with it forever, so why not give it the love it deserves?

This post was brought on buy a project that’s very close to my heart: Seventeen’s Body Peace Project. You sign a pledge to love your body, no matter what. I actually have a copy of the pledge on my bulletin board to always remind myself to love my body. You can sign the Body Peace Treaty here. Glee’s Amber Riley did!

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About 8 hours after my college graduation, I was in the midst of what I like to call and pre-quarter-life crisis. At 22 years old, I can’t call it an actual quarter-life crisis, but I started exhibiting some of the symptoms, like sadness and insecurity about where I am in my life. The crazy part about it all is that I have a full-time job lined up with a company I’ve been with for a year and I love working there. My crisis was brought on by the uncertainty of what happens after this stage of my life. I planned on running the world by the age of 35 (not really the world, just Seventeen) and I felt like that wasn’t going to happen.

While I’d advise against the crisis part (confidence is always an uphill battle), there’s nothing wrong with reaching for a big dream if there’s any way it could become a reality. I was 15 years old when I set my ultimate goal and I wasn’t going to let anyone tell me it was too impossible. I’m sad when I meet women who settle for a job that’s more attainable because they’re afraid of failure. The key is to realize that if you really want something, failure is not an option.

Women really can run the world, but we’re too busy settling and trying to keep one another down to really do what it takes. As a woman of color, it will probably take even more work. Personally, I’ve sacrificed a lot just to make sure I can compete with my peers in spite of any opportunities I wasn’t given because of financial worries. Any of you can do the same thing, no matter what your current situation is or where you grew up. Oprah, who’s wrapping up 25 years on television, went from a young reporter to a self-made billionaire because she wasn’t going to settle for less than what she wanted. She still isn’t settling.

It’s normal to get discouraged every once in a while, but you can’t stop striving for what you really want. Don’t just say you want to do something, say you will. Ironically, I learned this after a motivational talk I did for a group of high school students deemed to be “at-risk.” A male speaker interrupted my speech and told me I was aiming too high. So I told him he will open Seventeen in a few years and see my photo on the editor’s page. I proceeded to tell everyone else in the room that they could reach their dreams if they put in the work. 

The world isn’t handed to you. If you want to run it, get out there and take it. 

The photo above is from Beyonce’s performance of her new single “Run the World (Girls)” on the first episode of Oprah’s two-part farewell.

I originally wasn’t going to write this post, but I saw too many girls on my blog dashboard sad today.

My favorite version of the story of St. Valentine is about a priest. When Cladius II of Rome declared it illegal to marry because he found unmarried men made better soldiers, Valentine performed marriages for young lovers in secret. He was executed for his actions.

Valentine’s Day has never really been just about love to me; more about the courage to love. Love is the most beautiful thing in the world, but also the hardest thing to truly do, especially when we’ve forgotten that this day isn’t about flowers or candy. It’s about a man who died giving people who had the courage to love a chance to make the ultimate commitment.

If you’re single, this should be a day to courageously love yourself more. Be your own Valentine. The biggest step to learning who you are is probably being completely alone with yourself sans Twitter, Facebook or whatever else you use to connect with other people and to avoid connecting with yourself. Snuggle up with yourself on the coach and watch bad romantic comedies. Go buy yourself balloons and candy. Make this day about you and not about your single status. Maybe you’re supposed to be alone right now, so you can become a better version of yourself for the next person you’re with.

If you’re in a relationship or dating, you can courageously delve into that love. Whether you still love your significant other on a friendly level or are more serious. It takes a lot of courage to let someone know you want to be with them because there’s always a chance of rejection, which, let’s face it, doesn’t feel lovely at all. Don’t be afraid of putting yourself out there and to knock down all of your walls if you want. Instead of always worrying about the future, courageously take on the present with open arms. If you’re happy in the moment, nothing else really matters.

Don’t be sad. Don’t be skeptical. Don’t be angry. Just be courageous.

If it makes you feel any better, you’re all my Valentines.

I saw a photo once of two women carrying another women. The woman being carried was old and frail, but the women carrying her could have only been about ten years younger. But they took on the burden because she had to do something very important—vote for Nelson Mandela for President of South Africa.

I was only 16 or 17 years old at the time, but I remembering thinking that we should be doing that. I was volunteering on a political campaign at the time and I just remember wishing people of color in the U.S. put that much energy into things that mattered most, like politics and education. Sure, we showed up to get a Black president, but when it was time for midterm elections, people of color opted to stay home and complain instead of voting. Especially young people.

When you don’t vote or when you don’t take an active role in your education, your voice becomes silent. You can complain about policies that make you pay back money for dropping classes, but if you were one of the numerous people who had to drop them because you didn’t study, then your voice isn’t credible. If you are angry about Republicans taking over the House, but you didn’t take the numerous opportunities to vote, then your voice isn’t really being heard (same things goes for anyone angry about Democrats keeping majority in the Senate).

So many people fought and died just so we can walk into a classroom and get the same education as everyone else; so we could vote and have our voices heard in government.

After seeing that image of South Africa, I’ve seen several others from the country that give me the same feeling. We forget how lucky we are, so we take things for granted that people in countries all over the world would kill for—like the chance to become an educated woman of color.

I read an article once that said women in South Africa are more likely to get raped than learn how to read. Think about that the next time you’re skipping class for some reason other than illness or taking a nap instead of voting.

The picture above is by South African photographer Ernest Cole. He was exiled from South Africa because of his images depicting the realities of being black in South Africa. He moved to New York City, where he was homeless during the 1970s and 1980s. He died a week after Nelson Mandela was freed from prison. You can read more about him and learn see some of his artwork here.

Last week, I went to the midnight showing of Tyler Perry’s film adaptation For Colored Girls, which is based on Ntozake Shange’s choreopoem For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When The Rainbow Is Enuf. I had been skeptical, but my fears were quickly put aside by the stellar cast.

The only problem were these women in the audience. They laughed and laughed. And laughed. There were a couple of comical parts of the film, but they laughed during the emotional parts, too.

Their actions are a bad sign in a string of bad signs I see all the time. It’s the reason my popular culture blog gets three times as many views as this one. It’s the reason more people will call Nicki Minaj a role model before India.Arie. It’s the reason films like For Colored Girls will get much less at the box office than one featuring Madea. It’s the reason roles like these for women of color only come around once every decade.

We’re afraid of facing the hard stuff. The harsh realities of existence as a woman of color. The fact that are bodies are often objectified. That our skin color sparks stereotypes in the minds of others. The fact that most of us, if only for a second, will think of how much easier it would be if we were another race.

We just laugh it off or change the subject because until it happens to us, we’d rather pretend that it doesn’t exist.

Maybe the women in the theater didn’t know anything about Shange. Maybe they never read Black feminist literature. Their loud comments made it clear that they probably didn’t understand the metaphors presented in the dialogue. That’s one of those hard problems—ill-education on social problems. Obviously, you don’t need to read every piece of feminist literature or dramatic work ever produced, but you should be educating yourself enough to understand common problems when they are represented.

I hate to rain on your parade, but there are problems. The world is full of problems. If we laugh at them and ignore them, they don’t get better. They get worse. It’s scary when I talk to women of color in college who don’t know about female genital mutilation or The Virgin Cure and who don’t care. They just shrug it off and say they don’t follow the news; it’s depressing.

It’s like we think ignoring bad things will make them go away, but it won’t.

The headline for this post, somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff, is about someone taking something of no value to anyone but the owner. Things like self-respect, self-love and dignity are only worth something to the person who owns these feelings. They are taken away from a woman when she is raped, beaten, teased and broken by so many other things.

If we don’t acknowledge the hard things, even in a movie theater as we watch fictional characters portrayed in a way that women of the color rarely get the opportunity to be, then we can’t fix them. We cannot help find ways to protect ourselves and our sisters from having things taken from them that are almost impossible to get back.

Yeah, bad stuff happens, but it won’t stop unless we are educated about it and unless we move forward together to find solutions.

I’ve kept you waiting on the big news, but I’m ready to announce it informally now. Change Starts Here is branching out into self-esteem workshops for young women of color from pre-teens to college students and motivational speaking. If you’re interested, e-mail confidencehappens@gmail.com. I’ve been a self-esteem workshop facilitator and motivational speaker for the past four years, so I have a lot of experience in the subject. After taking a sabbatical for almost a year, I’m diving back into it because it’s one of the most gratifying things I have ever done with my life. Just like this blog. I’ve also got more big new coming in late December and in March of next year. I hope you guys will stick with this blog as it continues to grow. -Brianti

This post was written a month ago about the same person who inspired the last post. I decided not to post it after it was written and saved it as a draft. I’m posting it now in its original entirety to make a point—people don’t change overnight. I witnessed his disregard for hurting others and, because I didn’t take that as I sign, I ended up being one of the people hurt. It’s OK, though, because I learned from the experience and we cannot be friends any time soon, but people do change, so I’m hoping he learns how to treat people better in the future. I say this, so you know that I’m not above making the same mistakes as everyone else. I am able to learn from them and do better in the future, just like all of you.

Stay amazing. -Brianti

I had a discussion with someone last night that opened my eyes in a way that I couldn’t ignore. It made such an impact that I couldn’t sleep until I wrote this down (and I have to be awake early tomorrow). The discussion started with what merits an apology and it ended by discussing a person’s intent versus the way their actions are perceived.

I think this discussion has so much merit in the way we live today. We say things to one another that don’t seem disrespectful or hurtful to us, but can be perceived that way. When we are hurt or disrespected by these comments, we don’t speak up because we would hate to be seen as overly sensitive.

There’s no such thing as “overly sensitive.” Because we cannot know someone until, as the saying goes, we “walk two moons” in their shoes, you cannot judge the way someone reacts. Emotions aren’t standard. Those of us who are quicker to cry, weren’t born with glitches in our system. Our reactions are based on previous experiences and we shouldn’t deny them because we feel we will be judged.

What you intend means almost nothing. Perception is everything. When I talk to someone who refuses to apologize for the incorrect perception of their words, it’s sad. The idea the person had that there was no reason to apologize was the worst part.

Whether we like it or not, we will put in positions where we dictate the way a person feels. Sure, it’s a lot of pressure to be responsible for the emotions of others, but we cannot make real connections with people if we do not enter those situations. We also cannot grow as people until we accept the power we can have over the emotions of others and the power others can have over our own emotions.

I’m not saying we should let someone rule our emotions, but it’s OK to be hurt by someone’s words or actions. People aren’t made of stone. If you are hurt, don’t shut up about it—speak up, so the other person can correct their manners in the future.

Nothing good ever came of silencing your feelings.

Like I said in the last post, never apologize for who you are but always apologize for hurting someone.

I still do have some exciting news to share with you guys and it’s coming next week. Follow the blog on twitter or “like” it on Facebook, so you’ll be one of the first to know.

When I was attempting to write the post about oppression, something didn’t feel right. I think that’s because I knew something would happen to help me find inspiration.

I am the first to realize that there are things about my personality that will clash with others. Not everyone is meant to get along with everyone and that’s fine.

When things end badly, one of you can end up doubting yourself.

I recently was put in a situation where someone made me question who I am; they made me explain who I was in defense of actions I really didn’t commit.

That’s pretty vague, but the point is that for about 12 hours, I doubted myself because of what someone else said; someone I barely knew.

I think one thing every person should learn is how to see the world from someone else’s point of view. True insight is the only way to solve problems you have with others when a confrontation is needed. If both people simply state their side as fact, you are telling the other person that they are wrong for being themselves.

You don’t have to agree, but it’s best to see where the other person is coming from and to vocally acknowledge that. When I was put in the aforementioned position, I acknowledged the other person’s good intentions, but I never got the same in return.

Sure, people will be malicious, but you should take the high road. Looking back, I feel great about the way I handled myself because I didn’t owe anyone an apology. Even though the other person didn’t handle themselves well at all, I wouldn’t expect an apology for their intentions (maybe their use of offensive language).

You should always apologize if you’ve offended someone, but never apologize for being yourself.

The title of this post is a line from “King of Anything” by Sara Bareilles.

I’ve been crazy busy catching up with work/school after being sick for longer than I care to admit because I didn’t go to the doctor until I felt like I was at death’s door.

There’s been a lot about teen suicides making the news lately and I feel like I’m doing a disservice to you guys buy not addressing bullying as a form of oppression. We oppress ourselves by putting down one another.

I’ve been pulling inspiration from women of color essays, which is what’s taking so long for me to finish writing it. It’s hard to use so little of such amazing material.

Here’s the title for the blog post (it should be up by Sunday morning):

A CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED OPPRESSION

By the way, I’ve still got some exciting news to release in a couple of weeks.

xoxoxo